Sunday, 6 April 2008

Mixed emotions.

This is one weekend I do not wish to repeat! I've had 2 hours sleep in the last 48 hours. Got to hospital yesterday lunchtime to find Mum had been moved to a side-room and there she stays. Apparently she was so noisy and disruptive they had to move her from the main ward. She told me she was frightened and didn't want to be on her own and she was only trying to tell them but they wouldn't listen. I found out she'd asked the staff to phone me and had they?? All the family gathered through the afternoon and she was more content - so much so that the nursing staff commented on how much calmer she was. Sometimes you wonder where brains are kept! The family decided that somebody would be with her 24/7 to keep her calm and told the staff that was what was going to happen, like it or not. I did the night shift. This morning she was put on an infusion pump of dia-morphine and late morning they decided that she needed to be sedated as she was so stressed - something she (and we) had been asking for since she arrived. She's not stupid and, although she's not been told the outcome of this illness she has worked it out for herself. She has been persistent in her request - and I quote - 'to have something so that I won't know what's happening to me' This afternoon she was saying goodbye and requesting 'no fuss'. She has been sleeping peacefully since teatime and tonight we are all in our own beds - except her. Shifts will start again tomorrow morning, although not 24/7, and will continue until no longer needed. We are all hoping that it will be sooner, rather than later, for all our sakes but mainly hers. I see a once strong, proud and very private & 'proper' woman devoid of all dignity and feeling the need to apologise, in every waking minute, because she feels she is being a nuisance. Don't anyone ever tell me that euthanasia is wrong where there is no doubt as to the outcome of an illness. You wouldn't allow an animal to suffer in the way that my Mum is expected to - and I'm not talking physical, necessarily - life is about more than that. I am upset, but also very angry. Most of all we are all longing to see an end to her suffering.

In the meantime, Ollie seems to have found a new lease of life. He's either been 'jesting' or the vet's medicine is having wondrous effects. Whatever it is, for Dad's sake, I hope it continues for a long time as Ollie is currently giving him his purpose in life. I'm making sure that Dad is safe and getting his meals, calling in on a more regular basis between the hospital shifts and I'm having to persuade Ollie to take his meds twice a day. Dad's so confused, bless him, but he's managing, with help, and I'm so proud of him.

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